A quick recap..

We finally got to talk. Of course he did not call me. He probably would not have said a word neither when we finally met by accident (at the bar, where else. I did not expect him that particular evening, but alas...) but I decided that I could not deal with this "oh, let's pretend nothing happend" bullshit. So I did confront him. At least he made no stupid excuses when he turned me down. Of course I knew he would. What really actually bumped me out was that he had told Anna about a week ago. He had told her. And she could not tell me, she just couldn't bring herself to hurt me. So she said. I do believe her, that's very much like her. But it's not good. Friendships have flipssides every once in a while, it's not always fun to be somebody's close confidant. It sure can be inconvinient. Deal with it. Now that Birger's moving to Canada in two weeks it was a real blow to realize how weak she can be when it comes to things like that. She's one of my closest, and I need her to be honest and to keep me from fooling myself and/or making a fool of myself in front of everybody. You got to do that for your friends. It almost hurt me more that the fact that once again somebody loves me not. Isn't interested in getting to know me more. But that's hard on me to, especially my ego was hurt badly. I know one should never start thinking that, but there must be something seriously wrong and disgusting about me. I don't know. It hurts. I was really down the last cuople of days, actually cried a lot, and after I was done with that I developed a new kind of cynicism. No good either, but right now I just can't help it. Neither feeling sorry for myself. Extremely sorry. Really, I don't think I deserve to be that unhappy and unlucky all the time. I deserve something good and nice for a change. I deserve somebody. I really think I do. Not that this conviction would help...