So...

...for whatever reason I'm doing this in english now. Nobody will ever read this, it's just a little exercise for myself I guess. Today was bad. My mom almost died. Again, I must add. It was the third time in three weeks that I went to her hospitalbed because doctors said it is time to say bye now. She is a tough cookie and proved them wrong everytime so far, but the whole situation is so exhausting it's not even funny anymore. I don't know how I feel. Scared. And very, very strange. To tell you the truth dear non-existent reader - I'm not a lucky person by trade. I'm rather bad at getting my shit together, I pretty much fail life as it seems. I am thirty and have not achieved anything so far. Counting all the years i spent in college classrooms I should be the smartest individual on the fucking planet. I'm not. I just work an underpaid job at an arthouse movie theatre and write papers for friends. That's my career and right now I sort of wonder why I actally write that down here. oh well, since nobody's gonna read. But I vow now not to get lost in self pity and only write about the things that could or should be better. That will only bore the hell out of me...